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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24709897">i got dark only to shine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave'>flashlightinacave</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Never Have I Ever (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Developing Relationship, Devi is in so much denial, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Pining, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:54:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,530</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24709897</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“I know what happened,” Eleanor says with a snap of her fingers, “you made out with him.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Devi nearly chokes on her food. “WHAT?” she asks through her coughing and spluttering.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“With Ben,” Eleanor clarifies, “you made out with Ben.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>There are very few instances where Devi hates how well her two best friends know her — usually being known and understood is one of the greatest gifts in the world —  this is one of them.</i>
</p><p>or; 5 times people suspect something happened between Devi and Ben, and the 1 time someone catches them</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i got dark only to shine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey everyone, I am obsessed with these two, so it's no surprise at all that I'm publishing yet another fic about them!</p><p>Special shoutout to Bhargavi for being, like, the best person ever and helping me whenever I had no idea what to write for a section of this fic, literally a lifesaver when it comes to my writing.</p><p>I hope you all enjoy this and come chat with me about Never Have I Ever and Devi and Ben in particular on Tumblr where I'm @montygreen</p><p>Title comes from the MARINA song "Numb" because using her song lyrics as my titles is my brand</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p><p>The first time she sees Ben again is at school on Monday before lunch.</p><p>Her mother had forced her to retrieve her belongings from Ben’s guest room over the weekend, but she’d (mercifully) not run into him. Patty told her that Ben was out playing golf or swimming or doing some other white rich boy country club thing that Devi had chosen not to remember. She’d simply gone up to the Doobie Brothers themed guest room, packed all her belongings in her green duffle bag, remembering the leave the sandalwood scented deodorant Ben had leant her on the dresser, and gotten the hell out of his house as fast as she could.</p><p>(She’d been so fast, in fact, her mother had snapped at her, knowing that with the speed she’d accomplished her task, there was no way she’d thanked the Gross family for their hospitality. Devi had retorted that Ben’s parents hadn’t been there, because it was true, they were never there — during her week-long stay, she saw Ben’s parents all of two times — and she’d given her thanks to his housekeeper Patty.) </p><p>She notices a few missed calls from Ben on her phone, but figures she can easily justify missing them, she’s had a crazy long, exhausting week after all.</p><p>As she gathers her belongings for lunch, she spots Ben at his locker. It’s the first time she’s seen him since Malibu, their lockers only a few feet apart, yet the distance feels like a gaping uncrossable chasm. She studies him for what she thinks is only a split second.</p><p>She studies the curve of his jawline, sharp enough to cut a diamond, somehow against all she’d learned about the Mohs Hardness Scale. Probably sharp and accentuated enough to cut her skin too. She remembers cupping his jaw in her hand.</p><p>She studies his long eyelashes, delicate and sooty, and remembers the feeling of them brushing — no, that’s not the right word — fluttering against her cheek. </p><p>She studies his fingers as he inputs his locker combination, long and slender. They look like the fingers of a musician, a pianist, and for a moment she wonders why when they divided extracurriculars she was given orchestra and not him. She remembers the feeling of his fingers dancing across her skin, weaving through her hair as he’d cradled the back of her head.</p><p>He looks handsome, and it’s insane that Devi has known Ben since the 1st grade and has never assigned — never imagined she’d be assigning — such adjectives to him. </p><p>It’s undeniable though, Ben Gross is hot, attractive, pleasant looking, basically every other word one could use to describe someone who is aesthetically easy on the eyes.</p><p>Devi abruptly tears her gaze away from Ben and snaps back into reality at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. She meets the gazes and Eleanor and Fabiola, who are looking at her with a measured amount of concern before they’re both dragging her to their usual table in the cafeteria.</p><p>“Devi, what’s wrong?” Fabiola asks the moment they’re all sitting down. </p><p>Devi doesn’t look up at two friends, she reaches into her bag to pull out the thermos containing her lunch. “Nothing is wrong.”</p><p>“Something definitely is, you didn’t answer a single question in history class today, even Mr. Shapiro seemed confused.”</p><p>“More tellingly,” Eleanor adds, “you didn’t hurl a single insult at Ben.”</p><p>Even the mention of Ben’s name pulls Devi back into her thoughts, she loses herself thinking about Malibu, about that soft look Ben had in his eyes — the one of hopeful disbelief — right after she kissed and right before he kissed her back. Devi shakes her head trying to dispel the memory and finally meets the eyes of Eleanor and Fabiola. “What does it matter if I didn’t insult him today?” Devi asks, knowing her tone is filled with annoyance.</p><p>“You always insult him, you told us yourself that he has ‘the perfect face for insulting,’” Eleanor says, narrowing her eyes towards Devi with suspicion.</p><p>The truth is, she had said that, a year ago, after a debate with Ben in biology class had gotten particularly heated and she was fuming with anger.</p><p>Devi stares at her food, feeling a little nauseous, but she shovels a spoonful of aloo gobi in her mouth anyway.</p><p>“I know what happened,” Eleanor says with a snap of her fingers, “you made out with him.”</p><p>Devi nearly chokes on her food. “WHAT?” she asks through her coughing and spluttering.</p><p>“With Ben,” Eleanor clarifies, “you made out with Ben.”</p><p>There are very few instances where Devi hates how well her two best friends know her — usually being known and understood is one of the greatest gifts in the world —  this is one of them.</p><p>“That’s not—” she stammers. “How did you—?” Devi can’t even get an entire sentence out and she feels her entire face heating up. She hopes, no prays, no one else in the cafeteria heard what Eleanor just said.</p><p>Eleanor rolls her eyes. “Please, Devi. There has always been an insane amount of sexual tension between the two of you, there always is between two rivals. I mean, the sexual tension between you guys still is insane, but it’s a different type of insane, like you two did something and you’re not quite sure how to deal with it.”</p><p>“You were staring at him longingly when we came up to you at your locker,” Fabiola adds, taking a bite of her cookie.</p><p>“Longingly? I was not staring at Ben Gross longingly!”</p><p>“Devi,” Fabiola tuts, “you didn’t notice me or Eleanor until I put my hand on your shoulder and we called your name twice.”</p><p>Fuck, that evidence is pretty damning, isn’t it?</p><p>Suddenly, Devi recalls a way to throw Fabiola and Eleanor off, to end this miserable conversation. “So what? It doesn’t matter if Ben and I kissed because Paxton called and he asked me to hang out so…” she shrugs her shoulders trying to project a level of nonchalance she does not feel. “I’m probably going to be dating him soon anyway.”</p><p>Eleanor and Fabiola both look at her, eyes filled with what Devi can only assume is disappointment. Fabiola shakes her head. “Whatever you say, Devi.”</p><p>Devi feels the vibration of her phone and spots a new message from Eleanor. There’s no text, only an attached image file that she recognizes — a blonde woman tilting her head to the side with a familiar caption, ‘sure Jan.’</p><p>Devi looks back up at Eleanor and gives her a pointed glare.</p><p>Eleanor smirks. “So, was he a good kisser?”</p><p>Devi nearly chokes again, feeling her face heat up at her friend’s question. “Eleanor!” she hisses.</p><p>Fabiola is smiling too, her grin splitting her face open. “Was he?” </p><p>Devi groans. “Yes, he was. Are you happy?”</p><p>Fabiola wiggles her eyebrows, continuing to smile slyly. “Better than Paxton?”</p><p>“We’re not having this conversation!” </p><p>Eleanor giggles. “That means he was.” She sighs dreamily. “I always knew the two of you were secretly Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.”</p><p>Devi snarls, wanting to do nothing more than smash her head into the table, anything if it means an end to this goddamn conversation.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>2.</p><p>What Devi told her friends several days ago at lunch isn’t exactly a lie, she is currently hanging out with Paxton.</p><p>Or rather, sitting on the couch in his garage, hands folded nervously in her lap as she steals her nerves.</p><p>When she spotted Paxton in the parking lot after school, she said she was free to hang out, hopped into his jeep, and let him drive her away from all her other thoughts. The ones that have been nagging at her since she spoke with Fabiola and Eleanor at lunch several days ago, the ones that spring to mind every time she sees Ben. Hanging out with Paxton is an easy escape because if anyone could distract her from her mental turmoil, it’s the boy she has an astronomically large crush on, right?</p><p>Paxton steps back into his garage, clutching two ice-cold sodas in his hands. They both agreed on no beer, Paxton in the middle of swim season and Devi not wanting to face the wrath of her mother if she came home smelling of even a drop of alcohol.</p><p>He sits down on the couch and passes her one of the sodas, popping the tab on his can. He sheepishly rubs the back of his neck, as if he seems nervous. “I’m a little hot-headed, I guess. That’s what Rebecca says. She called me out for being a douche and I kinda realized—that’s what I was to you.” he drops his gaze to the couch before he starts again. “I’m sorry,” and Devi can tell by his tone that he’s not used to saying the words. “I was wrong and a douche.”</p><p>She smiles back at him. “Did Rebecca tell you to apologize to me?” </p><p>He laughs. “No—but I could tell she didn’t want me sitting on my ass the whole day either. She wouldn’t even play video games with me until I told her I called you.”</p><p>Devi smiles slightly. “I appreciate that Paxton.” She sucks in a deep breath, stealing her nerves once more. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn't have ignored your voicemail." She shakes her head and sighs. "I’ve been an absolute mess lately.”</p><p>Paxton shrugs his shoulders. “It’s cool.” He takes another sip of his soda. “Where were you that day?”</p><p>She glances over at Paxton, expecting her heart to speed up, her palms to grow sweaty, her cheeks to flush, but nothing happens. She feels exactly the same.</p><p>“In Malibu,” Devi answers, only to be met by Paxton’s confused expression, his brow furrowed. “We were spreading my dad’s ashes.” Before she can stop herself, the next few words come tumbling out. “Ben got me there.”</p><p>She lets out a wry laugh. “Ben did a lot of things for me, actually. He let me live with him when I had nowhere else to turn, he got El and Fab to stop me from doing something I would have regretted forever when he knew he couldn’t be the one to do it, and he drove me to Malibu. Ben’s always been there for me.”</p><p>“The Jewish kid you’re always arguing with during history class?”</p><p>It seems strange to Devi that her increasingly complicated relationship with Ben can be boiled down into a single sentence, but Paxton isn’t entirely inaccurate. “Yeah,” she agrees, taking a sip of her soda.</p><p>“The only time I ever pay attention in that class is when the two of you argue.” He rubs the side of his head in annoyance. “You’re kinda loud at 8:15 in the morning, I don’t know how you do it.” His expression changes suddenly, like he’s avoiding overstepping, and he runs his finger around the edge of the soda can. “I’ve been falling asleep in class for the past few days, which means you guys haven’t been arguing. Is something wrong with you two?”</p><p>Devi feels like a deer in the headlights, her anxiety level suddenly shooting through the roof. Had everyone heard her conversation with Fabiola and Eleanor in the cafeteria? Had word somehow gotten back to Paxton she and Ben had kissed? It was a stupid kiss, a meaningless kiss, a strange, twisted, seized moment brought on by an emotional high and ton of hormones.</p><p>(Devi knows that her kiss with Ben was none of those things. It was not stupid, nor meaningless, nor some brought about by emotional high. It had meant something, even if she wasn’t sure what it was. It has to mean something since she can’t stop thinking about it, since the repercussions of it continue to follow her everywhere. She can’t stop replaying their kiss in her memory. She still hasn't talked to Ben about any of this.)</p><p>It’s ridiculous, the boy she’s wanted to kiss her forever, who gave her the dreamy first kiss she’d fantasized about is sitting right next to her and she can’t get her mind off someone else.</p><p>She’s in some sort of legit love triangle! (More like a line and a dot, a voice suspiciously similar to Kamala sounds in the back of her head. Except Devi is now certain that the line is between her and Ben, not her and Paxton.)</p><p>“N-nothing is wrong with us,” Devi stammers, nearly dropping her soda can as her fingers shake.</p><p>Paxton glances at her suspiciously. “You sure? You mentioned him three times.”</p><p>“Yup!” Devi yelps out louder than necessary. “We’re all good! So, so, good! Unbelievably, ridiculously good,” she laughs nervously then clamps a hand over her mouth to shut herself up.</p><p>Christ, she really is overcompensating.</p><p>Paxton’s eyes flicker with concern before his expression turns indifferent again. “If you say so. I don’t really care, but you seemed off, so I thought I’d ask.”</p><p>Devi places her soda can down on the floor and nervously wrings her hands together. “Yup! I’m so cool! I don’t know how Ben is doing, but I don’t know why I’d know how Ben is doing and—”</p><p>“Devi!”</p><p>Devi breathes out a sigh of relief when she spots Rebecca standing in the doorway and smiling widely.</p><p>Rebecca looks over at Paxton as she makes her way towards the couch. “I’m so glad my brother stopped being an idiot and remembered how cool you are!”</p><p>“Hey! I always knew she was cool!” Paxton replies defensively.</p><p>Rebecca playfully punches her brother in the shoulder. “Do you wanna play video games with us?” she asks, turning to Devi.</p><p>Devi mulls over the offer, it would be a good way to get her mind off Ben and she thinks Rebecca is ridiculously cool. Playing video games with the two of them would be a welcome distraction.</p><p>She smiles in Rebecca’s direction. “I’d like that.”</p>
<hr/><p>3.</p><p>Devi finds she has no appetite come dinner, poking gingerly at her naan and paneer tikka masala. </p><p>“So,” her mother asks, “how was your day at school today?”</p><p>Devi tears off a piece of naan and pops it into her mouth. “Good.” She chews it furiously.</p><p>It’s not a lie. Her day was good, relatively speaking. Eleanor and Fabiola have finally stopped bringing up the whole Ben thing, she got a 100 on her most recent math test, she’s established more of a friendship with Paxton — he even invited her over to play videogames with him and Rebecca after school (Rebecca obliterated them both, obviously.) </p><p>She and Ben still haven’t talked about what happened, or anything at all, but her mother doesn’t need to know that.</p><p>Her mother gives her a strange look before returning to her food. </p><p>Devi doesn’t have an appetite, but she feels guilty wasting food so she forces down a few more bites. She makes it about a quarter of the way through her plate before her mother addresses her again.</p><p>“Are you alright, Devi?” Devi wonders if perhaps her mother is concerned because she’s eating her food more slowly than usual. She would be eating at her normal pace, paneer tikka masala is one of her favourites, but she can’t seem to settle the nerves in her stomach.</p><p>Devi peers up and finds her mother is glancing at her with worry. “Fine,” she says, stuffing another bite of food into her mouth and making a concentrated effort to swallow.</p><p>“How’s Ben Gross doing?”</p><p>Devi snaps her head up. Why is her mother asking her that? Has she figured out that something happened between her and Ben too? Devi brushes the comment off. “I’m sure he’s fine too.”</p><p>Nalini clicks her tongue. “You haven’t mentioned him in a week, and while I appreciate that you’re no longer asking me to prescribe you Adderall so you can beat him, this isn’t like you, Kanna.”</p><p>Devi swallows back the lump she feels forming in her throat. “What isn’t like me?”</p><p>“You’re always talking about your academic rivalry with that boy and now you’re not mentioning him at all?” Nalini narrows her eyes. “Did something happen between the two of you?”</p><p>Devi’s mouth drops open in shock and she can’t think of any sort of response. Fuck, maybe her mom had caught her and Ben in his car a week ago. Her anxiety level suddenly skyrockets, her heart thuds against her chest, and her palms feel clammy.</p><p>“N-nothing happened!” Devi stutters, cursing herself for nothing being able to get to words out properly.</p><p>Nalini sighs. “That’s a shame. I always liked that boy. He keeps you on your toes, Devi.” She gets a wistful, far away look in her eyes. “The way he inspires you to do better, be better, reminds me a lot of my relationship with your father. You’re a firecracker, just like me, you need someone like that.”</p><p>Her mother is right, Ben has always inspired her to be the best she can be, convinced her to work harder than ever just for the satisfaction of beating him by even a fraction of a mark. Arguing with him and usually dominating those debates had become one of the highlights of her day. She hadn’t realized how much she valued the competition between them until she’d lost it.</p><p>She and Ben haven't exchanged snarky, witty banter in a week. (Since Malibu.)</p><p>Devi realizes her mother is still speaking. “He might have absolutely no spice tolerance, but at least he doesn’t distract you from academics. Quite the opposite, in fact.” </p><p>Devi drops her utensil, the metal clattering against her plate. “Mom, are you saying you want me to date Ben?”</p><p>Nalini shakes her head. “I’m not saying I want you to date anyone, I still think you’re too young for that, but I do like that boy a lot better than the other one you were interested in.” She takes another bite of her food. “If that was something that you’re interested in, we could have a conversation about it.”</p><p>The thing that scares Devi most is it i<em>s </em>something she’s interested in. Dating Ben, that is. </p><p>He surprised her with his kindness and compassion and determination to help her. It was particularly the moment he’d brought Eleanor and Fabiola that stuck out. Ben knew he couldn’t help her — that she would have fought him until the end — so he brought two people who could. She’d always known that Ben knew her well, that was how he had the infuriating ability to push all her buttons as her rival, but looking back on that moment, she realizes he sometimes knows her better than she knows herself. He’d even thrown her friends back on task when she deflected. (And sure, she remembers possibly plotting his murder at that very moment.) Another thing she appreciated about Ben — something she never imagined herself appreciating — was that he never fell for her bullshit. It was infuriating most of the time, but when it mattered most, he’d come through in more ways than she could count.</p><p>(It certainly doesn’t help that she knows he’s a good kisser, the single kiss they shared — or two if she counts that one where she impulsively kissed him — lingering in her memory. He is often the last thing she thinks of before she falls asleep, her first thought when she wakes up. When she brushes her finger against her bottom lip, she can still feel the soft press of his mouth against hers.)</p><p>Remembering that she and Ben haven’t spoken to each other in more than a week now makes her ache in a way she doesn’t want to acknowledge, a dull pain in the left side of her chest.</p><p>But none of these are things she can tell her mom. </p><p>She smiles, half sad, half appreciative, as she swallows another bite of her food. “Thanks, mom.”</p>
<hr/><p>4.</p><p>Devi is laying on her bed working through a challenging trigonometric identity when Kamala prances into her bedroom without even a knock and sing-songs, “I know what you did.”</p><p>“Jesus, Kamala!”</p><p>Kamala wiggles her eyebrows. “You kissed Ben.”</p><p>“Fuck!” Devi throws her pencil across the room and faceplants into her bed. Her next words come out muffled through her pillow. “How did you figure it out?”</p><p>“It was pretty obvious, Devi,” Kamala says as she sits down on Devi’s bed. “You went from constantly talking about this boy to not mentioning his name once in two weeks.”</p><p>Devi groans, finally sitting up and facing Kamala. Her cousin is giving her the same knowing look Devi knows she gave her when she caught Kamala with Steve. Her words come out quiet and small, a desperate plea, “please don’t tell my mom.”</p><p>Hmmm.” She strokes her chin in contemplation. “I won’t tell your mother if you tell me what exactly happened between the two of you.”</p><p>What other choice does she have? If her mother gets wind of what happened, she might disown her. So, Devi takes a deep breath and tells her cousin everything.</p><p>As she tells Kamala everything that happened — living with Ben, reuniting with Eleanor and Fabiola because of Ben, Ben braving the highway, and finally Malibu and the kiss she can’t stop thinking about — she notices her nodding attentively.</p><p>When Devi finally finishes explaining she feels a bit lighter, it’s nice not having to bear this burden on her own.</p><p>“So you haven’t talked to him since this happened?” Kamala asks.</p><p>“Yeah…” Devi lets out a shaky deep breath. “I just… wouldn’t know what to say.”</p><p>Kamala bobbles her head. “I don’t think you’re being very fair to Ben, Devi.”</p><p>Devi gives her cousin a pointed glare “What do you mean?”</p><p>“You can’t run away from everything. It hurts you and it hurts him, and if you care about him the way I think you do, you don’t want to hurt him.”</p><p>Devi snorts. “I’m not hurting him.”</p><p>Kamala gives her a look of concern and places a hand on Devi’s shoulder. “Why are you so scared, Devi?”</p><p>“Scared? I’m not scared.” She rubs the back of her neck. “It’s just… you know… it’s Ben. I’ve hated him since the first grade!”</p><p>“You just told me he took you in when you had nowhere else to go and that he got you to Malibu.” She clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “To me, it sounds like you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”</p><p>“See what?”</p><p>“How he feels about you.” Kamala runs her hand up and down Devi’s arm, the motion comforting and soothing. “Not everyone is good with words, but he cares about you and I think you care about him, too. Don’t you think you should try to talk about this?”</p><p>Devi pulls her knees up to her chest. She lets out a wry laugh. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”</p><p>“That’s not important,” Kamala says with a shake of her head. “What’s important, Devi, is that you start somewhere. With honesty. You owe each other that.”</p><p>Devi knows Kamala is right, knows icing Ben out for the past two weeks has been wrong and selfish and hurtful. She knows she’s probably making things harder and harder with each passing day. She knows that Ben deserves better after he quite literally put everything on the line for her.</p><p>(She knows he deserves better than her.)</p><p>She knows she needs to talk to him, that they need to work through whatever this, but she can’t. </p><p>(Because Ben doesn’t deserve someone like her, who's messy and broken and damaged. He deserves someone who knows how to deal with their feelings instead of pushing them away. But that’s all Devi does, shove what she doesn’t want to hear, what she doesn’t want to feel, into some deep dark unreachable place.)</p><p>So, as usual, when Devi doesn't want to deal with her feelings, she lashes out.</p><p>“You’re one to talk, Kamala,” she snaps. “How dare you lecture me about the importance of honesty when you spent months lying to our entire family!”</p><p>She knows the words are unfair and hurtful and she regrets them the second they’re out of her mouth.</p><p>Kamala winces. “That’s not fair Devi.”</p><p>“What’s not fair, Kamala, is you thinking that you have any right to give me advice!”</p><p>“Devi…”</p><p>“Get out!” Devi yells, pointing towards her door.</p><p>Kamala nods her head, her expression not one of hurt, but one of concerned mixed with disappointment. Devi feels dread piling in her stomach as Kamala leaves the room and shuts the door behind her, but the only thing she can bring herself to do is scream into her pillow.</p>
<hr/><p>5.</p><p>She and Ben still haven’t talked about it. </p><p>In fact, they haven’t talked about anything at all. It’s as though they’re two celestial bodies that came closer and closer together and finally collided, only to be ejected out into completely different orbits by the force of gravity.</p><p>Devi has to snap herself back into reality every time she sees Ben in history class, or chemistry class or every other one of their shared classes. She often gets distracted thinking about his stupidly blue eyes and soft lips and warm hands that cupped her face like she was something precious, something to be treasured.</p><p>(Something, she an absolute mess, doesn’t deserve.)</p><p>There have been countless instances where she’s been called on to answer a question and hasn’t noticed. Even stranger, Ben hasn’t done his typical asshole thing of raising his hand and smugly answering the question for her, followed by snidely remarking something sarcastic about how difficult it is to remember seven facts. She misses some of his more asshole-like behaviours, misses his infuriatingly smug smirk.</p><p>Here’s the cherry on top of the shit sundae, Devi and Ben dominate every single class, they’ve done it since the first grade. They’re the only two who answer any questions, that’s just the way things work. None of their classmates have ever liked raising their hands anyway, so it harms no one when Devi and Ben constantly compete to answer something first. So when they both stop answering questions, stop competing against one another, the spark of their rivalry fading away like a dying ember, no one answers anything.</p><p>Their chemistry teacher draws a convoluted organic molecule on the board, no one tries to name it. Mr. Shapiro asks for the date of a certain event, no one raises their hand. </p><p>Class is completely silent aside from the droning of a teacher going through a lesson, the occasional vibration of a cell phone, the music of a Tik Tok video.</p><p>Thus it isn’t a huge surprise when Mr. Shapiro calls them both back into his room after history. She hasn’t answered a question in his class for approximately three weeks and neither has Ben. “Ben, Devi,” he sighs and pinches his brow, “I know I told you to set aside your rivalry for the good of the class, but you both have to know this is not what I meant.”</p><p>Devi winces. He’s not the first person to bring up her and Ben, but the wound is still fresh. When Kamala had done it, she’d snapped at her, and though Devi had apologized a few nights ago for her horrible behaviour, the topic is still sensitive.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Mr. Shapiro sighs. “The idea was that you two would stop pelting one another with death threats, not stop engaging with the material entirely.”</p><p>As much as Devi hates to admit it, Mr. Shapiro has a point, her grades in everything have slipped. Not by much, not by enough to jeopardize anything — simply from a 99 to 97 — but enough for slight concern. More importantly, it wasn’t just a coincidental dip in marks, it was turning into a pattern. Malibu had been 3 weeks ago, 3 history tests ago, 3 97s-instead-of-99s ago.</p><p>“I’ve still been engaged in the material, Mr. Shapiro,” Ben says, trying to defend himself. His attempt is hapless and usually, this is something Devi would laugh about, but she doesn’t. She sits in silence, staring ahead, ignoring the way her eyes flicker down to his mouth when she hears him speak. Ignoring the mounting desire to kiss him again, shoving it down somewhere deep she hopefully can never reach.</p><p>Mr. Shapiro rubs his head. “Look, there are a ton of rumours going around the school about you two — that you both took some weird performance-enhancing drug to try and beat one another and it’s having the opposite effect, that you two slept together and it’s made things weird—”</p><p>Devi can’t ignore the flush she feels climbing up her cheeks, she feels like she could burn in her humiliation. It makes her feel a little bit better seeing Ben looks equally, if not more, mortified, his entire face having turned beet red.</p><p>Devi shakes her head trying to stop her and Ben’s kiss from replaying in her mind for the umpteenth time. Trying to forget that thing he did with his tongue that she really, shockingly, liked. Trying to forget about the way he’d looked at her after, like she was some kind of ethereal being, swiping his thumb against her cheek. “</p><p>(Devi has only been kissed two times, and she’s taken statistics, so she knows making an assumption based on such a small sample size is foolish. However, statistically inaccurate or not, the fact is plain and clear, Ben is a better kisser than Paxton. She <em> liked </em>kissing Ben more than she liked kissing Paxton.)</p><p>Oh shit, Mr. Shapiro is still talking. “—usually, I’d say something like spill the tea, sweetheart, and we could make a conversation circle out of this and figure out what’s bothering the two of you, but I’ve recently been told that’s not a part of my job description. So...” He snaps his fingers, “I have an idea for how you two can fix this.”</p><p>Devi doesn’t speak and she’s a bit relieved when Ben doesn’t either. </p><p>“You two are without a doubt my smartest students, but you’ve always worked against one another. Have you ever considered how powerful you would be if you worked together?”</p><p>“I’m assigning a project tomorrow,” Mr. Shapiro continues, “each pair in the class is being assigned a historical married couple and you have to act out a skit of a day in their lives in front of the class. I think it will allow the two of you to work together, talk whatever this is out.”</p><p>Devi glances over at Ben for only a split second, meeting his brilliant blue eyes, then frantically looks away.</p><p>Fuck, working on a project with him means they’re going to have to talk.</p>
<hr/><p>+1</p><p>Devi greets Ben at his locker, several days later, unable to calm the fluttering of her heart. Usually, Devi is one to complete every single project ahead of time, but the idea of having to work through this, with him, makes her nervous, so much so she’s succumbed to procrastination. Though to be fair, Ben hasn’t approached her to say they needed to work on the project either, he’s kept his distance.</p><p>“I guess we’re going to have to talk to one another since we’re doing this project together, right?” she snarks, trying to ease the tension.</p><p>Ben is silent as he gathers his things from his locker, shoving them into his backpack.</p><p>“It is a skit, you know? We can’t just work apart and submit the work together, we’re going to have to do this together.”</p><p>“I heard what Mr. Shapiro said, David.” </p><p>Devi has never heard him say that nickname with such venomous anger. It makes the dull ache in the left side of her chest grow stronger, sharper.</p><p>Devi lets out a deep breath she didn’t know she was holding in. “Ben…” </p><p>Ben crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re the one who stopped talking to me.” He slams his locker forcefully, the clang of the metal loud and painful. “Look, we’ll head over to my house, work on the project, get a good grade, and then we never have to talk again.”</p><p>Devi wants to scream out that that’s not what she wants, that it’s the opposite of what she wants. She wants the spark of their rivalry back, she wants to hold his hand because she can, she wants to talk to Ben and fight with him, and kiss him to shut him up instead of storming away. </p><p>She swallows the lump in her throat, makes eye contact with him, and doesn’t say any of that. “Fine.”</p><p>“Fine,” Ben repeats with a firm nod.</p><p>She hates that these are the first and only words she’s said to him since Malibu. For a moment, Devi wishes she was more like any other typical teenage girl, dramatic, passionate, emotional. She wishes she were more courageous, brave enough to grab the lapels of Ben’s collared shirt and kiss him again. </p><p>But she is not that girl. She’s Devi Vishwakumar, feisty, fierce, whip-smart, and a coward when it comes to her emotions. Bottling them up, burying them deep, doing anything to avoid confronting them.</p><p>They exit Sherman Oaks High and turn a corner. The silence between them is suffocating, especially since Devi is not a quiet person by nature. Their silent walk is the complete opposite of the amicable chatter, the pleasant back and forth, they exchanged when they would walk to and from his house together when she was living with him.</p><p>She’s desperate to break the silence between her and Ben, but she doesn’t know what to say to him. She can’t make a casual quip or mock a fellow student at their school. She can’t make a joke or reference one of their shared favourite shows (which she discovered they had a lot of that week she lived with him.) This unchartered territory with Ben — feeling too awkward and uneasy to even say a word — is stifling.</p><p>They reach Ben’s house soon enough and Devi steps into the foyer, Ben shutting the door behind her.</p><p>“Well,” Ben says, finally, mercifully, breaking the silence between them, “time to get this project done with.”</p><p>Devi takes a seat on one of the stools at Ben’s kitchen island and Ben takes the seat next to her. She silently slips her bag off her shoulder and pulls out her history binder, flipping to the handout detailing the instructions of the assignment. “Who are we doing again?” Devi asks, scanning the sheet and realizing she forgot to put a star next to her and Ben’s assigned historical couple.</p><p>“Marie and Pierre Curie,” Ben says, pulling his laptop out of his bag. She waits for him to make some quip about how he’s unsurprised that she can’t remember just two names, but it never comes. It makes her feel unreasonably annoyed and upset that Ben is holding her at an arm’s length.</p><p>Devi fishes her laptop out of her backpack as well. “Right.” She signs on and opens a new Google document, then shares it with Ben.</p><p>They work without conversation and Devi thinks she hates working with Ben in silence more than she hates walking with him in silence. What she might hate more is that they’re somehow just as efficient at working without consulting one another. The dialogue in their skit still seems to flow effortlessly even though they’ve not communicated at all. </p><p>She glances over at him an hour in, studying his clothing. She playfully jabs at him. “Hey, Ben, Mario Lopez called, he wants his knockoff Balenciaga shoes back.”</p><p>She waits, expecting Ben to retort something along the lines of <em> ‘I didn’t know peasants like you knew what Balenciaga was, David,’ </em> but he’s silent, the only noise being the clicking of his keyboard as he types.</p><p>Her dynamic with Ben has always been antagonistic, his fire, burning, blazing, and equally matching her own, but today he is cold, crystalline, icy, exterminating her flames with unwavering apathy.</p><p>“What in the actual the fuck is your problem?” she snaps. “Are you so disgusted by me you can’t even talk to me now!?”</p><p>She hears Ben sharply draw in a breath before he turns to face her, his stupidly beautiful blue eyes filled with vulnerability and regret. “I can’t do this anymore, Devi.”</p><p>Devi finally glances away from her laptop and looks up at him. “Do what?”</p><p>He sighs. “Whatever this is.” He clenches his jaw. “Hold you at an arm’s length when you’re right here.”</p><p>Devi’s mouth falls agape.</p><p>“I can just finish the project and you can just go home, so we don’t have to deal with…” he gestures his hands between the two of them, “whatever this is anymore.”</p><p>“That’s not fair.”</p><p>“What’s not fair, David,” Ben seethes, the nickname somehow sounding more venomous than the first time he used it today — only the second time he’s used it in a month, “is that<em> you </em> kissed me and it’s been a goddamn month and we still haven’t talked about it!”</p><p>Devi blinks at him, unable to get any words out. “I…”</p><p>Ben stands up from his seat and stares directly at her. “I know this is new for you, but usually when you kiss someone, you don’t just run the fuck away for an entire month!”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” Devi challenges, shooting up from her seat and stepping closer to Ben. “Well, I’m not running away now.”</p><p>Without even a second of hesitation, she grabs the lapels of his shirt and — does what she’s wanted to do for an entire month — kisses him. </p><p>It starts out all anger and aggression, ferocity and fervour. Kissing Ben is some twisted battle for dominance that neither of them seems to be winning. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, neither of them has ever been one to back down from a fight anyway. </p><p>But when his hand moves to cradle her head, weave through her hair — the gesture achingly familiar — and Devi lets out something akin to a whimper that something about the way they’re kissing softens.</p><p>She moves her hand to brush his jaw and finds his jawline is as accentuated as she remembers. The hand not buried in her hair moves to her hip and he pulls her flush against him. They stumble backwards blindly, lips only separating for milliseconds at a time before Devi realizes her back is resting against something soft. She realizes with a start that they’re lying horizontally on a couch. She feels his tongue in her mouth doing that <em> thing </em> she really liked — <em> and God, how does he remember? </em> — and she feels swirly and giddy and lightheaded and—</p><p>A clatter of metal accompanied by a horrified shriek jerk them apart. </p><p>Devi shoves Ben off of her to see Patty standing in the entrance to the living room, eyes blown wide with shock, a tray of food on the floor. <em> That explains the metallic clang, </em></p><p>“Hi, Patty!” Ben yelps out a little louder than necessary, scooting as far away from Devi as possible. “I—I thought you were off today.”</p><p>“I was, but I knew you and Ms. Devi were working on your history assignment today, so I thought I’d come in and prepare some snacks.”</p><p>Devi feels her face heat up in mortification and buries her head in her hands.</p><p>Patty glances between the two of them. “I’m just glad I caught you sooner rather than later.”</p><p>She smiles salaciously, bends down to pick up the tray and the snacks, and turns to leave.</p><p>Ben sheepishly rubs the back of his neck and chuckles. “Perhaps we should talk about that?”</p><p>Devi peers up from her hands to look at Ben, his face has also turned slightly pink. “The fact that your housekeeper walked in on you jumping me?”</p><p>“First of all, you jumped me, and second,” he draws out a deep breath, his voice suddenly softer, “Devi, you know that’s not what I’m talking about.”</p><p>Devi wraps her arms around her frame, trying to make herself as small as possible.</p><p>“Can I ask why you did it?”</p><p>Devi knows what he’s asking, but she asks a follow up anyway. “Did what?”</p><p>“Why you kissed me.”</p><p>There are a lot of possible answers to that question. The first two that spring to mind — ‘<em>I wanted to’ </em> or ‘<em>because I felt like it’ </em> — feel too selfish, too inconsiderate. Anything else feels too deep, too meaningful. It’s a tough line to walk, keeping the balance between open and honest, but not exposing a level of vulnerability that Devi doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready for.</p><p>“I don’t know,” she confesses.</p><p>It’s a bit of a lie and she feels guilty that she’s starting the first real conversation with Ben in a month this way. She does know why she kissed him and here it is: finding he had stayed was the big gesture necessary to clear the clouds from her eyes. It allowed her to realize that Ben had always been there for her. That he was her true north, her polar star, her constant. </p><p>“Do you think Malibu was a mistake?”</p><p><em> What? God, no! </em> She reaches for one of Ben’s hands grasping it tightly. “Of course not.”</p><p>“But you ran away,” he sucks in another shaky breath, “why did you run away?”</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Devi admits, interlacing her fingers with his. “I’m a mess, Ben, my dad’s death broke me and I guess I just…” she sighs trying to think of the right explanation. “I didn’t want to drag you into that.”</p><p>She gives a wry laugh. “You’re really amazing, you know? You deserve someone fully present and I was scared I couldn’t be that person.” She squeezes his hand. “I was scared I didn’t deserve you.”</p><p>Ben chuckles, his laugh warming Devi to her core, causing a fizz in her stomach. She wonders for a brief moment why nerves are referred to as ‘butterflies in your stomach’ when in truth, they feel like butterflies brushing their dainty wings against her every single organ.</p><p>“Oh, Devi.” Ben looks at her, blue irises filled with affection, honey-eyed, syrupy fondness. “If anything, I don’t deserve you.” He runs a hand through his hair, his expression shifting to one of apprehension. “I was worried you thought I took advantage of your emotional state… or that I did the wrong thing.”</p><p>Devi shakes her head. “You definitely didn’t.” She uses her thumb to trace circles on his palm. “So, where do we go from here?”</p><p>Ben flashes her a smile, one born of relief and Devi almost forgot how much she loves his smile. His grin is bashful, hopeful, cautiously optimistic, and lights up his entire face. “We could try something. Only— only if you’re ready for that.”</p><p>“I think I am,” Devi says, “assuming you can keep up with me, Gross.”</p><p>Ben smirks and brushes the pad of his thumb against the curve of her jaw. “I can always keep up with you, David.”</p><p>“Well…” she cocks her head, offering a shit-eating grin. “There was a biology test where I beat you by two marks.”</p><p>“That was one time!”</p><p>Devi snorts and rolls her eyes. “If you say so.”</p><p>Ben huffs a laugh before he leans in and kisses her soft and slow. It’s the antithesis of the way she kissed him earlier, but before Devi can deepen it, he draws away from her. He doesn’t go far though, touching his forehead to hers. “As much as I want to make up for a month of lost time, we do still have to work on our history project.”</p><p>Devi frowns and gives Ben her best puppy dog eyes. “Fine, you’re right.”</p><p>“Did the Devi Vishwakumar just admit that I’m right?” His eyes are sparkling and he’s enjoying this small victory. The blossoming warmth in Devi’s chest takes her by slight surprise.</p><p>“Don’t get too used to it, Gross.”</p><p>Ben laughs again and bumps his nose against hers, before shooting to his feet and returning with his laptop. </p><p>The work through the project together this time, crafting a believable scene of domesticity between the Curies for their assignment. “I’m glad you Shapiro forced us to work together on this project,” Devi admits when they’ve finished typing up a draft.</p><p>“Oh, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah, it was the only reason we talked through all of this. Kamala tried to tell me I needed to talk to you and I lost it at her. Even before then, my mom was suspicious when I stopped mentioning you at our dinner table every night.”</p><p>“Awww, David,” Ben says, the nickname affectionate and endearing, “you mentioned me at dinner every night?” He flashes that infuriating — not infuriating, charming — cocky smirk she’s missed so much. “I always knew you were obsessed with me.”</p><p>Devi elbows him playfully, but she doesn’t deny his claim. “I guess it just took me a while for me to realize I was being stupid.”</p><p>“You are stupid.” The words have no bite, they’re blissfully affectionate.</p><p>“Well, I can’t be that stupid, I did get us here… eventually.”</p><p>“You did,” Ben admits, smoothing his thumb against her cheekbone. “And it’s the smartest thing either of us has done in a while.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you enjoyed this work, leave a comment! Comments make me stupidly happy!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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